Accept The Things You Cannot Change

Lord, grant me serenity to accept what I cannot change, courage to change what I am capable of changing, and wisdom to know the difference. –Prayer of serenity.

The distinction between what we can and cannot control — which also appears in some Buddhist doctrines — is fundamental because it frees us from the anxiety and frustration of controlling things that are truly beyond our control. It reminds us that what we control depends on one thing: our mind.

That’s right, even your physical body doesn’t quite fit into the circle of things you can control. After all, at any moment you could suffer an illness or suffer an accident.

But it’s not so bad news, because it drastically reduces the amount of things you have to think about.

Simplicity gives clarity.

While everyone else is running around with a long list of responsibilities (many things they are not, in fact, responsible for), you only have one responsibility.

You only have to take charge of one thing: your mind.

Our mind in turn controls many other decisions and behaviors that we have. Let’s look at some:

• Your attitude.
• How you treat yourself.
• How you spend or invest money.
• Your beliefs.
• The risks you choose to take.
• The frequency with which you train.
• Your perspective.
• What do you do in your free time?
• How kind you are to others.
• The books you read.
• The type of food you eat.
• How much effort you put into what you do.
• To smile or not to smile.
• How many times do you say “I love you”.
• Whether or not you judge what other people do.
• How sincere you are.
• How you interpret what happens.
• Whether you try again or not.
• If you ask for help.
• How you express your feelings.

Some things are under our control, while others are not. Within our control is opinion, motivation, desire and, in short, what we can do. What is not under our control is the body, property, reputation and, ultimately, what we cannot do. –Epictetus, Enchiridion.

With this we come to a terrifying conclusion: you are the decisive element. You possess the power to make your life miserable or to fill it with joy.

You can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration. You can humiliate or encourage, harm or heal. In all situations, it is your reaction that decides whether the crisis intensifies or subsides.

99% of suffering is created in your head, by you and your thoughts. The 1% is caused by reality, by what really happens and by the result.

Most of the time, the problem is not the problem. It’s what you think is the problem.

If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging. Don’t make things worse. Don’t react just because. Leave it like this. Later, plan how to get out of the hole.

Everything can be taken from a man except one thing, the last of human freedoms: choosing his attitude in any circumstance.

Certain events torment us more than they should, others before their due time, others when they should not torment us at all. Either we increase the pain, or we anticipate it or we imagine it. –Seneca.

There are no good and bad events. They simply exist. It is our own judgment that assigns labels to them. The events simply are.

“The wind cannot shake a mountain. Neither praise nor blame moves the wise man.” Rudyard Kypling believed that praise and criticism are two impostors. If we live for praise, when we are criticized we will fall to the bottom of the well. Let us focus, therefore, on building, from the foundations, values, inner dispositions that do not make our emotional states depend on external winds.

Acceptance is the distance between what “should be” and what “is.” –Monica Cavalle.

All the time we waste trying to change what we cannot change is time we waste moving forward. When we accept, with love, patience and good disposition, that we cannot change what has already happened, we gain serenity.

No amount of anxiety will change your future, and no amount of regret will change your past.

Peace is found in acceptance:

• Accept imperfection.
• Accept uncertainty.
• Accept the uncontrollable.

You don’t have to understand, tolerate or even forget something, but if you want peace, you must accept it.

Accept the things you can’t change.

✍️ Practice:

• Make a list of the things you can control (you can use the list above as a starting point). When you have a worry or anxiety, look it up in your chart. Is it there?
• The next time someone gets on your nerves, try not to react immediately. Stop, acknowledge your emotions and then, after breathing, choose how you want to react.