Decide Who You Want To Be, Then Do What You Must

You decide who you want to be.

This is both inspiring and terrifying. It means we have control over ourselves, but also that we are responsible for our actions.

Every decision you make is not a decision about what you are going to do. It is a decision about who you are.

You have to be responsible for yourself because your life is chaotic by nature and lacks intrinsic meaning. That is why we must conduct ourselves properly through life by rationally controlling our passions and our most worldly impulses.

A worthy human life has to be centered on the cultivation of personal character and concern for other people, and even for nature itself. It is enjoyed more fully when we adopt an adequate path, though not a fanatical one, for distancing ourselves from purely worldly goods.

Character is powerful protection in a world that would love to seduce you, buy you, tempt you, and change you. If you know what you believe and why you believe it, you will avoid harmful relationships, toxic jobs, self-interested friends, and a series of evils that afflict people who have not reflected on their deepest concerns.

Think for a minute about all the interests competing for your attention, your time, and your money.

Food scientists develop products to exploit your taste buds. Silicon Valley engineers design apps as addictive as gambling. Media outlets create stories to provoke anger and outrage so they can get views.

This is only a small sample of the temptations and forces that influence us, distract us, and pull us away from the things that truly matter. All human beings are drawn by these internal and external forces, which are becoming more powerful and harder to resist.

Man is driven by impulses, but values restrain him. - Viktor Frankl.

Those values, and self-awareness, keep us from becoming puppets. Yes, paying attention requires effort and consciousness, but is that not better than being a puppet?

Let us start with the foundations. A virtue is a rule that allows us to evaluate our thoughts and actions.

The person you want to be can be described by behavior, and behavior is guided by certain values.

We act uprightly in the name of our virtues, which allow us to resist and keep moving toward a goal.

Virtues always point toward balance and avoid the extremes of vice.

Your standards are only for you. This philosophy is about personal improvement. Self-discipline. It is about being strict with yourself and tolerant with others. This is not only the kindest way to be; it is the only effective way. It is the only defense against being constantly disappointed and angry.

Your principles apply only to you.

Ethical posturing is probably our most common vice. Do not go around boasting about how virtuous you are, or how hard you are trying to control your character. Act in silence.

Just as doctors always keep their iron instruments ready for emergency treatment, so you too should keep your fundamental principles at hand for understanding divine and human things. - Marcus Aurelius.

Life without a purpose is unstable, and if it is true that we must set an end, principles become necessary. I think you will admit that nothing is more shameful than a hesitant, insecure man who timidly retraces his steps. This will happen to us in every circumstance if we do not remove what holds the soul back, restrains it, and prevents it from advancing and striving fully. - Seneca, Letters to Lucilius, 95.46.

First, you know it. Then, you understand it. Then, you can explain it. Then, you can feel it. Finally, you are it.

Practice: make a list of the values that define the person you want to be. Think about how you will put them into practice. Is this person determined, with willpower? Is this person honest? Loyal? In what parts of life do they embody those values?

Stop debating what a great man should be. Be one. - Marcus Aurelius.

If you do not know where to start, do not worry. You will discover it little by little. Allow me the indulgence of offering you a starting point.

The virtues I have adopted are based on a mix of the seven values of bushido and the four Stoic virtues. I have taken what I like most, and this is the result.

Justice, Right Decisions · 正义

Does someone, some invisible being, have to declare what is good for it to be good? I believe in my own morality, which answers only to my heart. It is safer and truer than the morality of those who do good only because they fear punishment.

What is better? To be born good, or to overcome your own malevolent nature through great effort?

Human beings are the only evil creatures that exist because of our sense of good and evil. Nothing a tiger does is immoral because a tiger has no moral sense.

People, however, because we are able to distinguish between good and evil, are condemned by the possibility of choosing evil.

To be a just person is to be capable of doing evil, but to choose not to do it. For a virtuous person, there are no shades of gray when it comes to honesty and justice. There is only what is right and what is wrong.

It is ridiculous not to avoid one’s own wickedness, which is possible, and to try to avoid another’s, which is impossible. - Marcus Aurelius.

Be honorable with everyone. Believe in justice, but not in the justice that comes from others. Believe in your own.

In a world that prefers security to justice, more and more people applaud the sacrifice of justice on the altars of security.

There remains in souls a sense of good, not because it does not know what is honorable, but because it ignores it. - Seneca.

The problem is not the people who do evil. The problem is the good people who allow it. Rise bravely above the masses of people who are afraid to act. Hiding like a turtle in its shell is not living.

You should not hate those who do evil or cause harm. You should do what is in your power to stop them, because they are harming themselves, sacrificing their integrity, and harming those who suffer the consequences of their actions.

Practice:

• Reward the just actions you receive.
• Avoid taking part in rumors and gossip.
• Do not attribute to malice what can be explained by ignorance.
• Mediate conflicts among friends or family impartially.
• Do not allow someone who does evil to get away with it.

Courage, Valor · 勇气

In his Analects, Confucius defined courage by explaining its opposite: “To see what is right and not do it is a lack of courage.”

Therefore, courage is doing what is right. There can be no courage without justice.

Knowing your limits is what gives you humility and wisdom. Not knowing them is what creates insecurity and arrogance. Know yourself.

You do not build self-esteem by reciting positive affirmations in the mirror every morning. You build it by accumulating piles of irrefutable evidence that you are the person you say you are.

Confidence is not built. Evidence is built, and evidence is what gives you confidence in yourself. Confidence without evidence is self-deception. Do what you have to do to accumulate evidence, but do not think you need confidence to begin.

Life is inevitably difficult. Obstacles are an opportunity to grow and improve. Bravery helps us overcome difficulties and face pain and adversity with strength and determination.

We do not develop courage by being comfortable and happy. We develop it by overcoming the difficulties and adversities that push us to our limit.

The truly great man is the one who, in the threatening presence of danger or death, maintains his sanity. He acts despite fear, abandons the instincts to flee, and does not surrender completely to the anger born from fear.

Courage consists of using your head and your heart when every cell in your body is asking you to run, and doing what you believe is right.

A sword has no strength unless its bearer carries it with courage.

Practice:

• Take the initiative to act when everyone else is doubtful.
• Do not be afraid to ask a question when you do not understand something.
• Admit your mistakes and try to become better than them.
• Write about your fears and how you will conquer them.
• Confess your hidden truths to those who are close to you.

Benevolence, Compassion · 仁和

Great power must be used generously for the good of all.

Help your companions in times of crisis. A benevolent man is always attentive and ready to assist those who suffer unnecessarily.

Cultivate compassionate feelings. Act with consideration for the suffering of others. Practice modesty and kindness, respecting each person’s context. Be kind to everyone. Every person you meet is fighting their own battle.

Rudeness, malice, and cruelty mask a deeply rooted weakness.

Socrates said that no one acts wrongly on purpose. No one makes a mistake deliberately. No one believes they are mistaken. Even when they are wrong, they believe they are right. But they are wrong. Otherwise, they would no longer believe it.

Would you be more tolerant and understanding if you could see other people’s actions as attempts to do what is right? Whether or not you agree, how would that change your perspective on actions you once considered offensive or belligerent?

Have you suddenly become wise, that now you get angry at others?

Sometimes we find it difficult to accept in others what we keep hidden in ourselves.

Everyone wants to save the world, but nobody wants to help Mom wash the dishes. Statistically, it is quite unlikely that you will have the opportunity to rescue children from a burning orphanage.

However, even the smallest kind gesture, a smile, holding the door for the next person, helping an older person carry groceries, has a profound impact because for each of us, our life is our world.

Save one person’s world through your small gestures of kindness.

Practice:

• Lend a hand to someone you see overwhelmed. Remember that once, you were, and will be, in that same position.
• Do not be too hard on yourself. If someone spoke to you the way you speak to yourself, what would happen?
• Practice forgiveness. Remember that you do not know the whole context.
• Be patient and empathetic when a loved one apologizes to you.
• Do one good deed every day and do not tell anyone.

Respect, Courtesy · 礼貌

You do not need to demonstrate your strength or boast. The mark of insecurity is bravado.

When someone is sure of themselves, they do not seek approval from others to validate themselves, because they do not need it. A person who wears morality like their finest clothes would be better off walking around naked.

You must be courteous even with people you do not like. Without this direct sign of respect, we are no better than animals.

Let go of your need to be right, to prove someone wrong, to prove the truth. Fine, you won the debate, but you lost a friend.

A country is not rich because it has diamonds or oil. A country is rich because it has education. Education means that even though you can steal, you do not steal. Education means you are walking down the street, the sidewalk is narrow, and you step aside and say, “Excuse me.”

Education is that even though you are going to pay the bill at a shop or a restaurant, you say, “Thank you.” When they bring it to you, you tip, and when they give you change, you say “thank you” again.

When a people has that, when a people has education, that people is rich.

• Antonio Escohotado.

Use etiquette, clothing, and the formalities each context requires wisely. The way to learn the etiquette of each moment is to experience all kinds of situations and observe how others behave.

Being polite is wise. Making unnecessary enemies by being discourteous is as foolish as setting fire to your own house.

Cruelty is earned, not given. Assume everyone is deserving of respect until, through their words and actions, they prove otherwise.

Practice:

• Dress appropriately according to the social setting.
• Respect all opinions, even when you do not share them.
• Show respect for yourself by eating well, dressing well, and exercising.
• Show respect for elders. Respect hierarchy.
• Stand up and greet people with a firm handshake, looking them in the eye.
• Say the magic words: excuse me, please, and thank you.

Honesty, Absolute Sincerity · 诚实

To lie to someone, you first have to lie to yourself. And lying to yourself is the worst thing you can try to do, because it is impossible. Your conscience knows the truth, no matter how much you try to convince it otherwise.

It is not necessary to show beauty to the blind or speak truths to the deaf. It is enough not to lie to the person listening to you or disappoint the person who trusted you. Words conquer temporarily, but deeds are what win or lose us forever.

When you say you are going to do something, it is as if it were already done. Nothing on this earth should stop you from carrying out what you said you would do.

You should not “give your word.” You should not “promise.”

The simple act of speaking has set the act of doing in motion. Speaking and doing are the same action.

Few things in life are as difficult as telling the truth, and few things are as easy as flattery.

A man’s words are like his footprints: you can follow them wherever he goes. And in turn, they are contracts we have made with ourselves.

Keep the promises you make to yourself. Your faith in your own word is vital. Build it by starting with small promises. Say you will wake up at a certain time and do it. Over time, you can promise yourself bigger things.

Practice:

• Tell the truth, or at least do not lie.
• Do not tell white lies to avoid difficulty.
• What does it mean to live honestly? How can you be honest through your actions?

Loyalty · 忠诚

Loyalty is an invisible bond that links us to others. It is the promises we have sworn and whose consequences we do not know.

You must be intensely loyal, especially to those under your care. Authority does not come from rank. It comes from the people who give it to you. That is the only way to earn it. You owe your authority to those who follow you and are loyal to you.

Practice:

• Tell your superiors when you see a colleague doing good work.
• If you have constructive criticism for someone you trust, tell them discreetly in private. But do not forget: unsolicited advice is criticism.
• Hold on to your moral conviction even under pressure.
• Stand by your people, especially in the hardest moments.

Wisdom · 智慧

It is the most important virtue in Stoic philosophy, because wisdom is what allows us to distinguish between true and false, just and unjust, important and insignificant.

There are three paths that lead to wisdom: imitation, the simplest; reflection, the noblest; and experience, the bitterest. - Confucius.

Intelligence can be defined as the speed at which you learn. Learning can be defined as adopting a different behavior in the same situation.

Wisdom appears as a virtuous life, where we make the best long-term decisions while taking their consequences into account.

A person can be intelligent, brilliant even, without being wise.

Knowledge is not power. Knowledge is potential. Applying that knowledge is power. Understanding why and when to apply it turns that knowledge into wisdom.

Wisdom is what allows us to:

• Choose to act and think correctly.
• Reject temptations.
• Know when we must stop and when we can continue.
• Do nothing in excess. Do the right thing in the right amount and in the right way.
• Desire to become better.
• Renounce negativity, bad influences, and what is not true.
• Prepare ourselves for what awaits us, for what may happen.
• Find our guiding principle and our priorities.
• Accept that we should not deceive ourselves about what we can control and what we cannot, especially the latter.

If wisdom could be transmitted only through words, we would have already reached enlightenment. To obtain true wisdom, you must take the path and follow it, reaching your own conclusions through the constant practice of reason.

Practice:

• Listen more than you speak. God gave you one mouth and two ears for a reason.
• Have the humility and courage to admit your own ignorance.
• Observe a lot, study a lot, practice a lot, and suffer a lot.

Self-Control, Moderation, Temperance · 克制

The practice of the virtues mentioned above is impossible without self-control.

The pursuit of pleasure and gratification can lead us to dissatisfaction and unhappiness. Moderation helps us avoid excesses and find balance in our lives, allowing us to live more consciously through our actions.

The absence of extreme or irrational emotions leads to calm.

No one is free who is not master of himself. - Epictetus.

You can intuit how dangerous a person is by the way they contain their anger silently inside themselves.

You cannot see your reflection on boiling water. Similarly, you cannot see the truth in a state of anger. When the water calms, clarity rises to the surface.

Buddhists said anger is like holding a burning coal while waiting to throw it at someone.

Whenever you feel that something angers you, bothers you, or gets under your skin, repeat to yourself:

“This is the price of my serenity.”

Indignation disappears completely when you do nothing to become indignant. Remember that the turbulence of the moment does not affect the tools and goals of our formation. Stop. Regain your composure. It is waiting for you.

A man’s emotions are what define him, and control is the mark of true strength. To lack feeling is to be dead, but to act according to every feeling is to be a small child.

True strength lies in domesticating our own emotions, not in pretending they do not exist.

Remember that you do not have to react right now, or have an opinion about everything.

Does what happened prevent you from acting with justice, generosity, self-control, prudence, honesty, humility, or frankness?

We have an alternative: do we focus on listing the injustices we have lived through, or do we make use of what we have been given and get to work?

The human tongue is a beast very few know how to master. It struggles constantly to escape its cage, and if it is not trained properly, it turns against its owner and causes trouble.

Learn the lesson: once words have left your mouth, they cannot be taken back. Keep them under your control.

Be especially careful with sarcasm. The momentary satisfaction you get from your clever words will always be smaller than the price you will have to pay for them.

Practice:

• Concentrate on your own goals instead of other people’s. You compete with yourself, not with others.
• Abstain from negative temptations such as getting lost in social media, abusive drug use, or pornography.
• Avoid bringing up controversial topics at large family gatherings, especially if there is a history of heated arguments.
• Control your anger. Whoever is capable of making you angry becomes your owner.

Once you have decided who you want to be and what principles you will follow, it is time to get to work.

It is important not to become overwhelmed at the beginning. To avoid that, we are going to draw up a plan and start gradually.

One way to do it is to choose one virtue, or one principle you want to apply, and focus on it for a month so you can internalize it. Put reminders everywhere that tell you what you have to do. Personally, it works very well for me to put them on the fridge, on my work desk, and on my bedside table.